Friday, December 3, 2010

it is two days after my birthday, i am highly intoxicated and feel like creating a post.. This is probably going to take a lot longer because i am fixing all of my typing incorrections as i go along. What to say, well i got a new mattress that willl hopefully help with my fibromyalgia. the reason why i am so drunk is because i had way too much to drink at boston pizza, the real question is who is reading this? the government? well yes i am a human being, just because i have a handicap doesnt mean i cannot live, my cousins? Yes I am doing better then normal and just the same I am too sick to work and lead a normal life, its depressing but i am dealing with it.
AS for the definition of Fibromyalgia, it is a system of uncontrollable and unpredictable pain that chooses to show up whenever it feels like it. Sometimes it feels like i have been hit by a car other times it just feels like i am being cut like a pig. In my opinion as ofthis moment I must be the strongest mofo on this planetG.S.P. has nothing on me his 10 minute plus recovery time is nothing compared to the past 10 years of pain i have been in.
Am I happy, absolutely, I am on cloud freaking nine because I am an extraordinary person and this "pain" has got nothing on me, mofo I am the strongest 22year old you will speak to all night, the feeling of haing my uterus ripped out while it feels like i have acid going through my stomach, show me another person that can put up with that for a week let alone 10 years, this is why I am amazing. I am still going to wake up tomorrrow and even if its still there I am going to tell it to go fuck itself, because any pain that it can show me in one day is nothing compared to 10 years...if you dont get that yet, jesus does and for him I am thankful I can confidently say "I know what it means to suffer" and on the day I meet him He WILL SAY " I am proud, you put up with suffering when others can not you sacrificed pain on yourself to make others happy and feel good. and I will say I am glad I could make you proud by turning the other cheek and rising every day."
yoday I am happy and that is all this post it about :)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

the bird is the word...

So it is june 3, 2010

As of a week ago I went back on Gabapentin for the treatment of Fibromyalgia, it's nice because it is non habbit forming and doesn't contain lactose..the bain of my intestines.
What can I say at this point, I stopped working at Pharmasave in January after being fired for being sick. I warned them? Jeremy and I lost a lot of our hope because he got fired for taking time off to take me to the hospital, it seems humanity has lost its essence of kindness. Since when do people not have the right to take care of themselves or others? Granted I did not choose to have a cysts larger than a golf ball on my ovary rupture...and I certainly did not choose to be ill from it for another 3 weeks. I also did not choose for my pain since January to be so debilitating on a regular basis that I cannot even take care of myself.

I was on E.I. disability but because it is a form of insurance the intention was for me to get back to work...this never happened. I am still just as much unable to work and still have no income to support myself. I would have to get another 600 hours of work in again just to be supported for a max of 16 weeks I do believe or have a 9 month or longer assesment sent to the government claiming I need disability, which I do not want to do. Plus its not even garunteed that I will be accepted. I technically have not worked for 7 months now no one can survive off 244$ every two weeks but I managed to live off that and over draft for the past 5 months of the passing year.

What do you do when people look at you and go¨but you look fine¨, to have the feeling of a heart attck and that youre about to die, to get near the hospital with the symptoms subsiding and be told it must be an anxiety attack....listen I have had an anxiety attack and these were not it. To feel on a daily basis like your uterus is being ripped out by an unseen object, or to feel like the lower half of your body is being seperated from your body, these are only a few of the traumatic and debilitating pains I suffer from on a regular basis. I do not care to complain to my family every day because its hard on them. But the real question is what would you do if you suffered from this pain since you were 11 and everyone you talked to told you that you were crazy or lieing or rather it was normal and to stop complaining. Only to stumble across a pamphlet while getting blood work and reading it was like someone was spying on you and made you see it at that moment. It was a defining moment in my life that told me I was normal and that I had been lied to for almost half of my life.

I still feel the emotional pain everyday of not being able to even look for a job or go out and see my freinds. If I do its for short visits and because of this I have become isolated from the world. When I went out to the mall I felt under dressed and like I did not even fit into society anymore. I noticed that, I was never depressed for no reasonand if I had depressive bouts, it was at times when I was not feeling well or when something traumatic happened. I am not in pain because I am depressed, I am depressed because I am in pain.

At least when I was younger my medication was covered but now that I am dawning on 22 I am no longer a dependant of my family. Because I am not a senior or pregnant it is for these reasons that society does not do anything to help me. Litterally until last week I had even less help of improving my situation because I did not have a name for what was wrong with me.

What I would really like to know is when did it become okay for some to get helped and not all, when did we decided as a country that we will take care of the most sick but if it does not have a title then it must not exist. I am appauled by this notion because thats like saying god must not exist because man never found it. Just because I only had between 5-15 minutes of doctors time. Could you find the holy grail after talking to a few experts for such short amount of time? Then how could you find a diagnosis when I could not even go over all that was wrong with me?

This is a summary of what has happened since the last time I posted. I sure its easy to conclude that I really do not do much on a daily basis because of the pain I am. Nothing interesting or exciting other then my Anniversary with Jeremy has occurred this year.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

December 2009

So its not quite Christmas or New years yet but I figured that a wrap up blog is definately in order. Lets see we'll start with the fact that my medical expenses went through the roof! Being off work since September...attempting to work at the Gap in October, things were getting more and more intrest collected on them. Our room mates were always fighting and this was becoming a strain on mine and Jeremy's nerves and relationship. We had had enough of Jeremy not being able to get any road experience. Jeremy's parents agreed to help us out until we could get back on our feet. However our living there was apparently disruptive to their lifestyle so we found a place our own in the same city. Jeremy is taking a break from looking for trucking jobs and is currently working for Pete Wall Carpentry. I got a job at Pharmasave and my first day was this last friday that past. My second day is tomorrow and I'm quite excited about it, I'm a cashier there and everyone I've spoke to seems really nice a close nit crew :)
I'm tired I will have part 2 of the wrap up after Christmas!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


So as I definitely have good reason for not posting in a month, I got a job shortly after being diagnosed with gallstones. I was hired onto the Gap for a respectable amount part time and the team i work with are absolutely amazing! I told them right away that I am ill and my management is very empathetic to my situation. It's a Monday through Friday from noon to five or five thirty. I really like that I'm good at my job and that my coworkers respect and like me, its a very positive place to go to everyday which puts me in a good mood.

Anyways I feel bad because last Monday i was in a great mood and I felt healthy then that night when I got home I started feeling really sick, throwing up, severe abdominal cramps, Jeremy got home late and we started yelling at each other, and I didn't want to go to the hospital anymore but he made me, it was 12:30 at night. Jeremy got to go home at 3 am to sleep and I called Sammi to tell her I was there before I got transfered up to the third floor which is the surgery unit. Around 9 am I called the house and Sammi informed me that mom was going to drive out here and then a little while later she text me to tell me that the two o them were on their way to the house. It was nice that I could have my mom and sister along with Jeremy at the hospital with me before and after I got out of surgery.

As for being home for a week I had been feeling incredibly compared to when I have had laparoscopies before....then this afternoon while sitting on the couch my pain became even worse, it felt like my heart was in a vice grip and I couldn't breathe or talk all i could do was cry and finally after 30 seconds I cried out to Jeremy that I needed to go to the hospital and he raced me there as fast as he could. I had to get blood taken and because my vein collapsed last week, today when they drew blood it collapsed again. I had to get chest xray, and the doctor suggests that I may have a stone in my kidney, so tomorrow I have to get an ultra sound done.

Anyways I am tired so I am going to cut this short until I know more about what is going on
t.t.f.n. <3

Monday, October 5, 2009

not new news but surprising to me

So this whole time this month that ive been getting excruciating pain in my abdomen turns out its because of gallstones, having a gallbladder attack is tres not cool. I'm all settled into my new place and have had a lot of interviews, now the challange is being well enough to work at one of these places. Seriously what a pain in my ass. I just wish that I could go like a week without feeling fatigued or feeling so sick that I can't get out of bed. I've been dealing with a lot of mood swings lately and I feel bad for Jeremy for having to deal with that but at the same time he isn't always helping the situations in which I'm getting upset. I'm sure things will be fine when I get settled into a job and am not cooped up in the place ALL the time, but until then I suppose I'm going to be miserable with myself and everyone else. P/s/ apparently I may not have the chance to get my gallbladder out until January, I'l be hearing back from the doctors office later this week. Fucking Doctors....oh well atleast they know whats wrong and how to fix it, I'm just getting pissed off at having to be on pain meds all the bloody time, it can't be good for the kidneys or liver thats for sure.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

day 2 in lethbridge

So my move to lethbridge was much awaited and very exhausting. To start I had gone to bed at 4 in the morning, I woke up at 7 and started packing the moving van by 8:45 a.m. and to make matters worse my mom did not let me sleep in the truck the entire time. I was bloody exhausted by the time we got there, but thanks to Jo and Jeremy being there, the truck was unloaded a hell of a lot quicker then when we were loading it.
I was so relieved to have Jo at the house with my mom and I while my dad and Jeremy went to town to return the van. I think I was going to rip my mothers face off. I love her just cannot stand the way she does things omg!!!!
As soon as my dad got back they left to town to get a hotel, I gave them my number but I still haven't heard from them. I've talked to Sammi on the telephone, but she didn't have much to say I think that this is a fairly smooth transition. It just makes me sad thinking back on everything that I've been through with them. I feel like a weight is off my shoulders and I'm a lot more relaxed since I got here, but at the same time its lonely not being barked at every other minute. Its a sick thought to miss the ones who hurt you the most and for those of you who do not understand its a long story hidden from everyone except those who lived with me and experienced it.
I will always love my family, because they are the ones who raised me and lived with me for the past 20 years, and when I think about it, that's a long period to serve under one household. People who commit murder are rarely punished this long, but I'm glad that I had the strength to leave. My parents have not laid a hand on me since I threatened my mother last year, and when they left it was like they were saying well you really did it this time. It feels like that was the last time I will ever see them; that or they were placing bets on how long I will last out here before I call them and ask them to move back home.
Its sad but I almost believe the latter over the initial thought.
I'm almost done unpacking so maybe I will figure out how to post photo's on this and show you guys the new place.
t.t.f.n. <3

Friday, September 18, 2009

its technically friday already...

I just figured i'd say sorry ive been so busy, ive been packing up for my big move to the Lethbridge Area. in one less than 5 more days until i go and now im like...oh shit im actually leaving. I'm actually getting away like I always planned on doing. I'm no longer complaining about my actions Im actually following through with action and plans. GO ME!!!