Monday, April 21, 2008

<3 Different types of love

Love is reckless;not reason. Reason seeks a profit.Love comes on strong, consuming herself unabashed.Yet in the midst of suffering love proceeds like a millstone, hard surfaced and straight forward.Having died to self interest,she risks everything and asks for nothing. Love gambles away every gift God bestows. Without cause God gave us Being; without cause give it back.Gambling yourself away is beyond any religion. Religion seeks grace and favour, but those who gamble these away are God's favourites, for they neither put God to the test nor knock at the door of gain and loss.- unknown


Just yesterday my parents we
re making an aloud statement at the fact that my mother was married at Sammi's age. Sammi is my older sister who will be turning 23 this year in September.The thing about Sammi is that she has been with the same person since highschool, they went to grad together. Brendan her boyfriend even moved out to Edmonton with us just to be with Sammi, however our parents feel that Brendan is not good enough for her and that Sammi will never amount to anything as long as she remains in a relationship with him. Now this is just hear say so don't get too excited but Brendan has a bunch of money saved up, enough to move back to British Columbia. Co-quitlam to be more precise, and by the sounds of it he is really trying to convince Sammi to move back with him. This cannot leave this blog because if my parents get wind of this, all hell will break lose!

As for me well my neighbor Danielle has come to visit me and same with my best friend Elizabeth with her boyfriend Branden. My friend Tom who is a photographer and movie junkie also has come by to see
me. The movie that stuck out the most to me was called American History X. Now if you have not seen this movie I would advise that you go out right now and rent it, or if you're courageous enough, go and buy it. I'm not going to sit here and write an essay about the movie other wise my blog would be titled "Movie Kritique" but seeing as that is not the case I will get back on point. This movie made me really think about how much my sister has been there for me.

If you have seen A.H.X. then you
will realize that I am using it as an analogy. My sister growing up in her high school years, was a real bad ass. She would drink and smoke pot with the guys on our street, she also had a lot of guy friends not that I am suggesting anything there but her and her friends would steal alcohol from my parents when they were passed out already for the night. Now I never wanted to dress like my sister but I did want to be just like her and hang out with the guys she did and by the time I made it into high school I started hanging out with the wrong crowds and and I started doing more extreme things, from cutting class to vandalism and when I moved to Edmonton it became a routine thing. I even began to start doing drugs, especially when I would go back to Vancouver to visit. My friends and I even paid 10 bucks extra when I was 16 to get into the paramount gentlemens club. And let me tell you there certainly wasn't any gentlemen in there when I went. Meanwhile my sister was living a very lonely life not knowing anyone and slipping into a hole of depression.

At the end of 2007 my sister and I reconnected and came to realize that there is just the two of us and if anything ha
ppened, well thats it.It took a lot of time for us to open up to each other, especially for me but now that we have, we have a connection greater than friendship and sisterhood, I don't think there is a word for it in the English language other than love.

I have many friends on www.facebook.com (Julie McKay) and www.nexopia.com ( *~*JULeS*~*) and I care about each and everyone of them and talk with them quite frequently. However maybe 2-15 % of these friends know that I am sick and 0-5 % know whats wrong with me to an extent. It's not that they don't care its just peoples love for one another in society is very limited unless they are family or have known one another for a very long time. This is not always the case but for the most part from what I have witnessed I would claim this to be a true honest statement.

I have done many things in the name of "love" but due to the lack of return of love it is hard for me to say if it was actual love or just infatuation. In the movie "Good luck Chuck" the character Chuck asks his best friend Stu "What is sex with out love?" To Chucks' dismay he is answered "SEX!!!" Is there no chivalry left in this world? What if you met a person one day by sheer chance/luck, just unexpectedly and you only got to spend one day with them but it was the most memorable day of your life. Is that day worth it knowing that you cannot be with that person because of distance and that they may be falling for someone just as great. What if the person they were falling for turned out to be not so great, would you try and stop that person from making possibly the hugest mistake in their entire life or let them keep living life their way because you're afraid of ruining things between you?

What if you could make an agreement with this person to get married at a certain date in time under certain circumstances but along comes a beautiful spider that entices you with its web and catches you in it? What if that spider is romantic and funny just like that person you met on that rainy day but their life plans are so disorganized with no real pattern just like their web? What if you're meant to be with that person who knows absolutely everything to know about you but they don't want to be with you. Do you stay with that beautiful spider?

What if you were dieing and didn't want anyone to know about it, would you poison y
ourself to get it over and done with or would you keep living an average life without that one person even when they are all you think about...Love is a complicated four letter word. It can make or break your heart and i just think it will, because its getting harder to survive in this world with all of this pain and difficulty. Some days i wish I could find a deserted mountainous area with lushes
fields and i could live my life in solitude
there with no worries, just my memories of that one person I cannot have and my thoughts.




If the devil loved you
Could you make the devil fall in love with you
Make him weep a thousand tears so true
Bleed for him like all the others did
Would you two become a ylid
What is the point in even asking
When it is your soul you're masking
Do you hear that tritone as he plays upon his lyre
Make sure you dance widdershins around for his great gyre
Ye be a mere mortal and he be the one who rocks the cradle
He holds your goblet as he fills it with poison from his ladle
Sip, sip, sip away, sip away all of the agonizing pain
Cry to him a hundred pleas until he makes it rain
In the end could you break his heart in two
And keep your soul when it is through
-Julie E. McKay



I think that the point I'm getting at is Love is just a four letter word until you give it meaning, and it is better to tell someone how you feel then spend your whole entire life asking your self "what if?" There is many different types of love and some people can express them all where as others are very limited. As long as there is light in this world there will with out a doubt always be love.


t.t.f.n. <3>
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Monday, April 14, 2008

New inspiration

Today was quite alright even though it was raining off and on. I watched my favourite of the star wars (return of the jedi) and my parents got home around the same time today which was around 16:25 and my sister and i hadn't made anything for dinner which was no matter. My dad had ripped his jeans at work and needed to buy some new ones so we went with him to buy some new jeans at marks work warehouse and got him two new pairs, got dinner and went home. My neighbor Danielle came by today to see me and we talked while my sister played guitar hero (on easy, she isn't very good but it's very entertaining)

After Dani went home for dinner I took a bath and decided to come on the computer and I would like to share with you a conversation with you that I wasn't quite proud of at first.


Łεεαήήέ says:
your not allowed to die on me, that wouldn't be fair and it would just be wrong

Jules says:
everything will be alright in the end

Łεεαήήέ says:
it better be or me and this god character are gonna have a niceeee long chat

Jules says:
haha!! Don't be mad at god, life isn't predetermined, there is factors in life that cause things. Maybe it's because I was annorexic and my organs are feeling the aftermath. Or maybe its from the few times i tried drugs when i was with the wrong people. Maybe its from drinking even though im on medication, or maybe its just from stress it might all be psychological. But all of which were choices

Jules says:
so if i keep a healthy attitude in turn i will become healthy

Łεεαήήέ says:
thats true but still this crap stuff should be happening to a person who doenst learn from their mistakes

Jules says:
No one ever said how long lifes lesson was going to be, they merely said that you had to have the lessons

Jules says:
and not everyone passes class some people choose to be drop outs, others just dont learn as well as others or just dont pay attention because they dont care

Jules says:
life doesnt have symapthy for these people, it just keeps on teaching

Łεεαήήέ says:
you my friend

Łεεαήήέ says:
should be writing a book called "jules words of inspiration, jems from within"

Jules says:
hahah

Jules says:
jem is my initials

Jules says:
did you know that

Łεεαήήέ says:
i did

Jules says:
maybe i should write a book, i dont have anything better to do with my time

Łεεαήήέ says:
haha aww write me a book i'll read it!




I'm very open and honest with my friends when I speak with them, the reason I wasn't proud of this conversation at first was because I was talking about a hidden illness that I suffered from; Also that I have infact done hard drugs. Its really not something I'm proud of and certainly not something I would do again but its in my past and it still affects me today. Inspiration came to me from this conversation that I should write a book and I intend on doing just that. Which means I will have to brush up on my writting skills including spelling but I think that its a fine idea. Who knows maybe I'll even see about getting it published if I'm proud enough of it. =D

As for the home front, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Ever since I became ill my family has become closer and more loving with one another. My parents are not drinking as much and my sister and I are a lot closer now that she no longer works so that she can stay at home to take care of me while my parents work to support us. It certainly is not the arrangements we would have asked for if given the choice, but since this is life we are playing the cards that we have been dealt. The thing to remember is that the house doesn't always win, as long as you keep playing.

t.t.f.n.

Blogging again...day one

So I have not posted anything in a long time. Infact as you can see I deleted all of my old posts to start a fresh profile.As many as you don't know about my current situation I think I shall fill everyone in on whats going on in my life right now. I've always been sick, pretty much most of my life, I thought things were finally looking up because I found a new hormone treatment for my ovarian cycts I suffer from (which means I have a greater chance of being able to have children now).

At the begining of March I started having shakes, abnormal ones for no apparent reason then as the month went by the shakes turned more and more violent, tremors even I also started getting black outs. On April fourth I ended up blacking out at work after the tremors and went imediately to the emergency. Since there was no vissible issues, like any emergency room I was forced to wait in the grueling waiting room. They dont call it a waiting room for nothing, thats for sure. Well after a few hours I started getting the tremors again. I went to the desk and I was shaking so bad that a nurse grabbed a wheel chair and had me sit down. The tremors became so violent that the nurse couldn't even feel my pulse so I was assisted to a room to get an echocardiogram, to make sure that my heart was alright. I was given privacy to take off my shirt and bra and to put on a gown and when I did so I blacked out and face planted on the floor.(Its okay to laugh I'm sure that if I saw it happen I would have laughed at myself.)

Anyways I guess when they entered the room they found me on the floor and were calling out my name, I wasn't sure where I was at first and I mainly just remember being yanked off the floor and put on a stretcher being wheeled quickly to another place in the hospital where my heart and oxygen levels were being measured. The doctors could not explain what had happened and so after hours of monitoring I was allowed to go home and eat finally!

So now I am waiting for a bunch of tests to be done and for doctors to try and figure out if I am
having seizures, some form of nerve issues within the brain or even a a possible heart condition,
or a combination of the two. Now I don't want you
to feel badly for me. This is not what this blog is
about this is the first entry simply explaining my current situation.





t.t.f.n.