Wednesday, September 23, 2009

day 2 in lethbridge

So my move to lethbridge was much awaited and very exhausting. To start I had gone to bed at 4 in the morning, I woke up at 7 and started packing the moving van by 8:45 a.m. and to make matters worse my mom did not let me sleep in the truck the entire time. I was bloody exhausted by the time we got there, but thanks to Jo and Jeremy being there, the truck was unloaded a hell of a lot quicker then when we were loading it.
I was so relieved to have Jo at the house with my mom and I while my dad and Jeremy went to town to return the van. I think I was going to rip my mothers face off. I love her just cannot stand the way she does things omg!!!!
As soon as my dad got back they left to town to get a hotel, I gave them my number but I still haven't heard from them. I've talked to Sammi on the telephone, but she didn't have much to say I think that this is a fairly smooth transition. It just makes me sad thinking back on everything that I've been through with them. I feel like a weight is off my shoulders and I'm a lot more relaxed since I got here, but at the same time its lonely not being barked at every other minute. Its a sick thought to miss the ones who hurt you the most and for those of you who do not understand its a long story hidden from everyone except those who lived with me and experienced it.
I will always love my family, because they are the ones who raised me and lived with me for the past 20 years, and when I think about it, that's a long period to serve under one household. People who commit murder are rarely punished this long, but I'm glad that I had the strength to leave. My parents have not laid a hand on me since I threatened my mother last year, and when they left it was like they were saying well you really did it this time. It feels like that was the last time I will ever see them; that or they were placing bets on how long I will last out here before I call them and ask them to move back home.
Its sad but I almost believe the latter over the initial thought.
I'm almost done unpacking so maybe I will figure out how to post photo's on this and show you guys the new place.
t.t.f.n. <3

Friday, September 18, 2009

its technically friday already...

I just figured i'd say sorry ive been so busy, ive been packing up for my big move to the Lethbridge Area. in one less than 5 more days until i go and now im like...oh shit im actually leaving. I'm actually getting away like I always planned on doing. I'm no longer complaining about my actions Im actually following through with action and plans. GO ME!!!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

one in the morning...

Yesterday was a much awaited important day to some..another day to others kinda day..09-09-09. So I didn't win the lottery nothing astronomical in proportion occurred...but i didn't break anything and I didn't hurt myself. Over all in my opinion it was an ordinary Wednesday. The idea of people obsessing over numbers is not uncommon to me. In fact obsessive compulsive disorder runs in my family, and as much as i try to deny it I am very much blood relative to my family.

Another idea in which I always try to avoid is the concept of nurture over nature. When a human being does something wrong, people look to the families to see what kind of upbringing said person had...were they bullied? Did their parents drink..was it a broken home? The idea of this to solely base ones sins on their childhood seems silly to me. I care not think of a more descriptive word for how i felt about the situation; because it was the first word to pop into my head and probably because I meant it when I said it. The thing is..unless you're mentally deranged or anti-social psychopath odds are everyone is capable of making sound judgements on what is deemed right and what is wrong.

History repeats itself and it is because we are too lazy to change our ways..sometimes its because that is all we know and other cases it is because we are afraid of the repercussions of trying to change ourselves. It has been said that in order to change the world we must first change ourselves, which is why i feel that even if a kid is brought up in an abusive home the child can learn that it was not their fault and they don't need to treat people or their own children in the same manner. In the opposite scenario, when being brought up in a "perfect" home and having a good education, good looks to match can just as easily commit the same heinous crimes. When one is taught that the world is theirs on a silver platter and people are below them it is no different.

I was watching tabloid shows with my sister the other and I mean no offence to anyone who reads this. Ryan jenkings was accussed of killing his ex wife jasmine, durring the man hunt before he claimed his own life, people could not stop talking about his good looks, his money, and his personality. The thing that gets to me is that people always expect en subs to be ugly or have disfigurements or speach inpediments...something wrong with them. Suddenly middle america is on its ass again from a true tradgedy and they can't get over themselves because there was seemingly nothing wrong with him. Maybe America did corrupt him, but there is no point in making him look like a victim. It is one thing to shoot a person dead, or poison their food, but to take the time to remove someones teeth...or their finger that takes a whole entirely subcategory of monster. Had Jenkings known that breast implants come with track numbers...he would have removed those too and that is something i'm wlling to be money on.(thanks we'll be finding more womens bodies with mutilated breasts, just incase they had implants in there.)

Ted bundy, he was attractive, smart and had a future in politics and was also one of histories most prolific serial killers. He pleaded innocence up until he was certain to get electric chair, and he then tried to lengthen the trial by talking about his victims, showing the worl a glimpse of his true darkness.Son of Sam-David Berkowitz, yet another seemingly normal looking man,Andrew Cunanan, Even Charles Manson was a rather attractive and mesmerizing person. I wonder why it is that people are so obssesed with looks that they feel that attractive people never do anything wrong?

It's quite sad really because half of hollywood is where the looneys are anyways..and crazy people attract eachother. The pretty girls..."the plastics" these are the ones who break our hearts, who make us feel worthless, and ugly. They bruise are egos and diminish our self esteem because they know they can and they thrive off of it. So is it so surprising when an attractive man kills a woman?

I don't really have a point to this blog its two in the morning now..i just felt like talking and this is where it led me...
i think ill go to bed now..

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Lets start fresh shall we?

Okay its been over a year since my last blog. Apparently I lost my addiction to writing, which saddens me a great deal. I used to be constantly complimented on my writing so as a healing process I feel I need to start writing again.

So here is the scoop! I was bed ridden from April until about July of 2008, I hardly have any memories or recollections of 2007 so I've considered them to be write off years of my life...whether it was just all of the experimental medications I was on or a mixture of mental torment and post traumatic stress; I figure there's a reason I do not contain any memories of that time and good ridden.

One thing I know for sure is that every year i make up some silly list of things i plan on doing or quitting on my new years resolution. I realized that I never accomplished anything, or just a few for a while every year. The idea is just to throw out the list because I don't like being told what to do.(Even by myself)So this year my New Years Resolution was simply this "Make this 2009 the best year to boot and to alleviate negativity in my life."

Had it not been for Ryan I do not think I would have the maturity I needed to start my next relationship. At work after him and I broke up there was a lot of rumors going around that made themselves known to me, I suppose when you're one of few women in a male dominated work place it is bound to happen. None of the rumors were true, fortunately but that didn't stop people from thinking otherwise. It wouldn't surprise me to hear people today still touch ground with these rumors. The thing is, he was a good guy to me and I don't have anything mean to say about him, I'm probably 1 of a handful of people that can say that. He taught me the fundamentals of a debate, how to be respectful of room mates and the importance of only extending kindness to those who deserve it, to gain respect.

Mind you I'm not that tactful so I do not extend these lesson to my everyday practice but I know he underestimated my maturity when we broke up. I know that at any hour I could call him for any unbelievable favour and he would help me to his fullest capabilities. The real point of this is that I would never do that, because I don't need him in my life anymore and I realize that I have to do everything for myself.

There has been times in the past years when I have been dropped off at the hospital and been told to call my parents when I'm done. There is two parts to this that I know realize as facts.
The first fact is that in my parents opinions I have been a burden in their life ever since I started getting sick. The second fact is that this is because I disrupt their patterns and ability to drink if I am sick. The third fact is that they don't like to watch me suffer because it makes them feel inadequate because there is nothing they can do to help me. Because they are alcoholics there has also been times when they made me suffer through the night because they were too drunk to drive me and I didn't want to take the cab ride by myself since I couldn't stand I knew I couldn't defend myself either.

This year has been a good year but it has also been a hard year, with the loss of Donna in April I feel her son Derick is becoming more distant from the family, I'm worried he might become so closed off he may not be able to handle human interaction in a few years. I went back to doctor Rolston this year, the man who corrected and eliminated my stomach ulcers, I have not had any signs of one since 2006, he cured me. I am now on a path to fixing my ovaries issues, I had not had any cysts since February, I just recently had two on the same ovary and they just ruptured. I was in the hospital yesterday and today i had to be tested for poly cystic ovaries. I'm starting a new treatment tonight and i feel this is my final answer, I pray that this health regimen will be the last one I have to try.

April 2009, enter Jeremy Enns. Quite possibly the love of my life, in time he could be the one I will spend the rest of my life with. The thing I love about Jeremy are also the things i hate and that's why he's perfect. He has such a relaxed attitude and is carefree, he is the neutral, or the calm rather to my drama infested storm of insanity. But its also the carefree about large details that bothers me, like going to the post office. I know I'm getting mad over nothing when i think of it logically, but when I'm obsessing over things i can't help but nit pick. I'm afraid of hurting his feelings. The thing I love about him is that he loves me completely and that's what I fear; that he may not realize who I am or how bad I can be, I see how my parents treat me and how they feel I'm a burden and I'm scared to be a burden in Jers' life too. But then I remind myself that my parents are alcoholics which makes them selfish and Jeremy isn't like that.

I'm excited, I am going to be moving to Lethbridge with my boyfriend Jeremy and I really cannot wait to move in with him. I think this a positive step forward and is a much needed change that couldn't take any longer for the day to arrive. I really miss him and not in an obsessive or infatuated way..rather a loving way? I just didn't realize how long a month and a half would feel. I was like oh yeah, no big deal see you when I get there. After 4 days, it felt like a week, and after a week it felt like a month away from him. I really didn't realize how much I needed him in my life until I was forced to be apart from him.

There's 20 more days until i get to see him and i'm more excited to be doing this count down then I was as a child counting down the 24 days to Christmas which starts on my birthday every year. I do intend very much on blogging more, so forgive me if i'm busy, or slap me if its november and i havent even mentioned the bird is the word.

t.t.f.n. <3