Thursday, June 3, 2010

the bird is the word...

So it is june 3, 2010

As of a week ago I went back on Gabapentin for the treatment of Fibromyalgia, it's nice because it is non habbit forming and doesn't contain lactose..the bain of my intestines.
What can I say at this point, I stopped working at Pharmasave in January after being fired for being sick. I warned them? Jeremy and I lost a lot of our hope because he got fired for taking time off to take me to the hospital, it seems humanity has lost its essence of kindness. Since when do people not have the right to take care of themselves or others? Granted I did not choose to have a cysts larger than a golf ball on my ovary rupture...and I certainly did not choose to be ill from it for another 3 weeks. I also did not choose for my pain since January to be so debilitating on a regular basis that I cannot even take care of myself.

I was on E.I. disability but because it is a form of insurance the intention was for me to get back to work...this never happened. I am still just as much unable to work and still have no income to support myself. I would have to get another 600 hours of work in again just to be supported for a max of 16 weeks I do believe or have a 9 month or longer assesment sent to the government claiming I need disability, which I do not want to do. Plus its not even garunteed that I will be accepted. I technically have not worked for 7 months now no one can survive off 244$ every two weeks but I managed to live off that and over draft for the past 5 months of the passing year.

What do you do when people look at you and go¨but you look fine¨, to have the feeling of a heart attck and that youre about to die, to get near the hospital with the symptoms subsiding and be told it must be an anxiety attack....listen I have had an anxiety attack and these were not it. To feel on a daily basis like your uterus is being ripped out by an unseen object, or to feel like the lower half of your body is being seperated from your body, these are only a few of the traumatic and debilitating pains I suffer from on a regular basis. I do not care to complain to my family every day because its hard on them. But the real question is what would you do if you suffered from this pain since you were 11 and everyone you talked to told you that you were crazy or lieing or rather it was normal and to stop complaining. Only to stumble across a pamphlet while getting blood work and reading it was like someone was spying on you and made you see it at that moment. It was a defining moment in my life that told me I was normal and that I had been lied to for almost half of my life.

I still feel the emotional pain everyday of not being able to even look for a job or go out and see my freinds. If I do its for short visits and because of this I have become isolated from the world. When I went out to the mall I felt under dressed and like I did not even fit into society anymore. I noticed that, I was never depressed for no reasonand if I had depressive bouts, it was at times when I was not feeling well or when something traumatic happened. I am not in pain because I am depressed, I am depressed because I am in pain.

At least when I was younger my medication was covered but now that I am dawning on 22 I am no longer a dependant of my family. Because I am not a senior or pregnant it is for these reasons that society does not do anything to help me. Litterally until last week I had even less help of improving my situation because I did not have a name for what was wrong with me.

What I would really like to know is when did it become okay for some to get helped and not all, when did we decided as a country that we will take care of the most sick but if it does not have a title then it must not exist. I am appauled by this notion because thats like saying god must not exist because man never found it. Just because I only had between 5-15 minutes of doctors time. Could you find the holy grail after talking to a few experts for such short amount of time? Then how could you find a diagnosis when I could not even go over all that was wrong with me?

This is a summary of what has happened since the last time I posted. I sure its easy to conclude that I really do not do much on a daily basis because of the pain I am. Nothing interesting or exciting other then my Anniversary with Jeremy has occurred this year.