Jules thoughts...

2010-12-03T23:07:00.004-07:00

it is two days after my birthday, i am highly intoxicated and feel like creating a post.. This is probably going to take a lot longer because i am fixing all of my typing incorrections as i go along. What to say, well i got a new mattress that willl hopefully help with my fibromyalgia. the reason why i am so drunk is because i had way too much to drink at boston pizza, the real question is who is reading this? the government? well yes i am a human being, just because i have a handicap doesnt mean i cannot live, my cousins? Yes I am doing better then normal and just the same I am too sick to work and lead a normal life, its depressing but i am dealing with it.
AS for the strangers...my definition of Fibromyalgia, it is a system of uncontrollable and unpredictable pain that chooses to show up whenever it feels like it. Sometimes it feels like i have been hit by a car other times it just feels like i am being cut like a pig. In my opinion as ofthis moment I must be the strongest mofo on this planetG.S.P. has nothing on me his 10 minute plus recovery time is nothing compared to the past 10 years of pain i have been in.
Am I happy, absolutely, I am on cloud freaking nine because I am an extraordinary person and this "pain" has got nothing on me, mofo I am the strongest 22year old you will speak to all night, the feeling of haing my uterus ripped out while it feels like i have acid going through my stomach, show me another person that can put up with that for a week let alone 10 years, this is why I am amazing. I am still going to wake up tomorrrow and even if its still there I am going to tell it to go fuck itself, because any pain that it can show me in one day is nothing compared to 10 years...if you dont get that yet, jesus does and for him I am thankful I can confidently say "I know what it means to suffer" and on the day I meet him He WILL SAY " I am proud, you put up with suffering when others can not you sacrificed pain on yourself to make others happy and feel good. and I will say I am glad I could make you proud by turning the other cheek and rising every day."
yoday I am happy and that is all this post it about :)

the bird is the word...

2010-06-03T18:47:00.002-06:00

So it is june 3, 2010

As of a week ago I went back on Gabapentin for the treatment of Fibromyalgia, it's nice because it is non habbit forming and doesn't contain lactose..the bain of my intestines.
What can I say at this point, I stopped working at Pharmasave in January after being fired for being sick. I warned them? Jeremy and I lost a lot of our hope because he got fired for taking time off to take me to the hospital, it seems humanity has lost its essence of kindness. Since when do people not have the right to take care of themselves or others? Granted I did not choose to have a cysts larger than a golf ball on my ovary rupture...and I certainly did not choose to be ill from it for another 3 weeks. I also did not choose for my pain since January to be so debilitating on a regular basis that I cannot even take care of myself.

I was on E.I. disability but because it is a form of insurance the intention was for me to get back to work...this never happened. I am still just as much unable to work and still have no income to support myself. I would have to get another 600 hours of work in again just to be supported for a max of 16 weeks I do believe or have a 9 month or longer assesment sent to the government claiming I need disability, which I do not want to do. Plus its not even garunteed that I will be accepted. I technically have not worked for 7 months now no one can survive off 244$ every two weeks but I managed to live off that and over draft for the past 5 months of the passing year.

What do you do when people look at you and go¨but you look fine¨, to have the feeling of a heart attck and that youre about to die, to get near the hospital with the symptoms subsiding and be told it must be an anxiety attack....listen I have had an anxiety attack and these were not it. To feel on a daily basis like your uterus is being ripped out by an unseen object, or to feel like the lower half of your body is being seperated from your body, these are only a few of the traumatic and debilitating pains I suffer from on a regular basis. I do not care to complain to my family every day because its hard on them. But the real question is what would you do if you suffered from this pain since you were 11 and everyone you talked to told you that you were crazy or lieing or rather it was normal and to stop complaining. Only to stumble across a pamphlet while getting blood work and reading it was like someone was spying on you and made you see it at that moment. It was a defining moment in my life that told me I was normal and that I had been lied to for almost half of my life.

I still feel the emotional pain everyday of not being able to even look for a job or go out and see my freinds. If I do its for short visits and because of this I have become isolated from the world. When I went out to the mall I felt under dressed and like I did not even fit into society anymore. I noticed that, I was never depressed for no reasonand if I had depressive bouts, it was at times when I was not feeling well or when something traumatic happened. I am not in pain because I am depressed, I am depressed because I am in pain.

At least when I was younger my medication was covered but now that I am dawning on 22 I am no longer a dependant of my family. Because I am not a senior or pregnant it is for these reasons that society does not do anything to help me. Litterally until last week I had even less help of improving my situation because I did not have a name for what was wrong with me.

What I would really like to know is when did it become okay for some to get helped and not all, when did we decided as a country that we will take care of the most sick but if it does not have a title then it must not exist. I am appauled by this notion because thats like saying god must not exist because man never found it. Just because I only had between 5-15 minutes of doctors time. Could you find the holy grail after talking to a few experts for such short amount of time? Then how could you find a diagnosis when I could not even go over all that was wrong with me?

This is a summary of what has happened since the last time I posted. I sure its easy to conclude that I really do not do much on a daily basis because of the pain I am. Nothing interesting or exciting other then my Anniversary with Jeremy has occurred this year.

December 2009

2009-12-20T20:55:00.002-07:00

So its not quite Christmas or New years yet but I figured that a wrap up blog is definately in order. Lets see we'll start with the fact that my medical expenses went through the roof! Being off work since September...attempting to work at the Gap in October, things were getting more and more intrest collected on them. Our room mates were always fighting and this was becoming a strain on mine and Jeremy's nerves and relationship. We had had enough of Jeremy not being able to get any road experience. Jeremy's parents agreed to help us out until we could get back on our feet. However our living there was apparently disruptive to their lifestyle so we found a place our own in the same city. Jeremy is taking a break from looking for trucking jobs and is currently working for Pete Wall Carpentry. I got a job at Pharmasave and my first day was this last friday that past. My second day is tomorrow and I'm quite excited about it, I'm a cashier there and everyone I've spoke to seems really nice a close nit crew :)
I'm tired I will have part 2 of the wrap up after Christmas!

POST SURGERY!!

2009-11-03T18:38:00.003-07:00

So as I definitely have good reason for not posting in a month, I got a job shortly after being diagnosed with gallstones. I was hired onto the Gap for a respectable amount part time and the team i work with are absolutely amazing! I told them right away that I am ill and my management is very empathetic to my situation. It's a Monday through Friday from noon to five or five thirty. I really like that I'm good at my job and that my coworkers respect and like me, its a very positive place to go to everyday which puts me in a good mood.

Anyways I feel bad because last Monday i was in a great mood and I felt healthy then that night when I got home I started feeling really sick, throwing up, severe abdominal cramps, Jeremy got home late and we started yelling at each other, and I didn't want to go to the hospital anymore but he made me, it was 12:30 at night. Jeremy got to go home at 3 am to sleep and I called Sammi to tell her I was there before I got transfered up to the third floor which is the surgery unit. Around 9 am I called the house and Sammi informed me that mom was going to drive out here and then a little while later she text me to tell me that the two o them were on their way to the house. It was nice that I could have my mom and sister along with Jeremy at the hospital with me before and after I got out of surgery.

As for being home for a week I had been feeling incredibly compared to when I have had laparoscopies before....then this afternoon while sitting on the couch my pain became even worse, it felt like my heart was in a vice grip and I couldn't breathe or talk all i could do was cry and finally after 30 seconds I cried out to Jeremy that I needed to go to the hospital and he raced me there as fast as he could. I had to get blood taken and because my vein collapsed last week, today when they drew blood it collapsed again. I had to get chest xray, and the doctor suggests that I may have a stone in my kidney, so tomorrow I have to get an ultra sound done.

Anyways I am tired so I am going to cut this short until I know more about what is going on
t.t.f.n. <3

not new news but surprising to me

2009-10-05T19:10:00.002-06:00

So this whole time this month that ive been getting excruciating pain in my abdomen turns out its because of gallstones, having a gallbladder attack is tres not cool. I'm all settled into my new place and have had a lot of interviews, now the challange is being well enough to work at one of these places. Seriously what a pain in my ass. I just wish that I could go like a week without feeling fatigued or feeling so sick that I can't get out of bed. I've been dealing with a lot of mood swings lately and I feel bad for Jeremy for having to deal with that but at the same time he isn't always helping the situations in which I'm getting upset. I'm sure things will be fine when I get settled into a job and am not cooped up in the place ALL the time, but until then I suppose I'm going to be miserable with myself and everyone else. P/s/ apparently I may not have the chance to get my gallbladder out until January, I'l be hearing back from the doctors office later this week. Fucking Doctors....oh well atleast they know whats wrong and how to fix it, I'm just getting pissed off at having to be on pain meds all the bloody time, it can't be good for the kidneys or liver thats for sure.

day 2 in lethbridge

2009-09-23T22:15:00.002-06:00

So my move to lethbridge was much awaited and very exhausting. To start I had gone to bed at 4 in the morning, I woke up at 7 and started packing the moving van by 8:45 a.m. and to make matters worse my mom did not let me sleep in the truck the entire time. I was bloody exhausted by the time we got there, but thanks to Jo and Jeremy being there, the truck was unloaded a hell of a lot quicker then when we were loading it.
I was so relieved to have Jo at the house with my mom and I while my dad and Jeremy went to town to return the van. I think I was going to rip my mothers face off. I love her just cannot stand the way she does things omg!!!!
As soon as my dad got back they left to town to get a hotel, I gave them my number but I still haven't heard from them. I've talked to Sammi on the telephone, but she didn't have much to say I think that this is a fairly smooth transition. It just makes me sad thinking back on everything that I've been through with them. I feel like a weight is off my shoulders and I'm a lot more relaxed since I got here, but at the same time its lonely not being barked at every other minute. Its a sick thought to miss the ones who hurt you the most and for those of you who do not understand its a long story hidden from everyone except those who lived with me and experienced it.
I will always love my family, because they are the ones who raised me and lived with me for the past 20 years, and when I think about it, that's a long period to serve under one household. People who commit murder are rarely punished this long, but I'm glad that I had the strength to leave. My parents have not laid a hand on me since I threatened my mother last year, and when they left it was like they were saying well you really did it this time. It feels like that was the last time I will ever see them; that or they were placing bets on how long I will last out here before I call them and ask them to move back home.
Its sad but I almost believe the latter over the initial thought.
I'm almost done unpacking so maybe I will figure out how to post photo's on this and show you guys the new place.
t.t.f.n. <3

its technically friday already...

2009-09-18T00:50:00.002-06:00

I just figured i'd say sorry ive been so busy, ive been packing up for my big move to the Lethbridge Area. FOUR...4...as in one less than 5 more days until i go and now im like...oh shit im actually leaving. I'm actually getting away like I always planned on doing. I'm no longer complaining about my actions Im actually following through with action and plans. GO ME!!!

one in the morning...

2009-09-10T01:19:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was a much awaited important day to some..another day to others kinda day..09-09-09. So I didn't win the lottery nothing astronomical in proportion occurred...but i didn't break anything and I didn't hurt myself. Over all in my opinion it was an ordinary Wednesday. The idea of people obsessing over numbers is not uncommon to me. In fact obsessive compulsive disorder runs in my family, and as much as i try to deny it I am very much blood relative to my family.

Another idea in which I always try to avoid is the concept of nurture over nature. When a human being does something wrong, people look to the families to see what kind of upbringing said person had...were they bullied? Did their parents drink..was it a broken home? The idea of this to solely base ones sins on their childhood seems silly to me. I care not think of a more descriptive word for how i felt about the situation; because it was the first word to pop into my head and probably because I meant it when I said it. The thing is..unless you're mentally deranged or anti-social psychopath odds are everyone is capable of making sound judgements on what is deemed right and what is wrong.

History repeats itself and it is because we are too lazy to change our ways..sometimes its because that is all we know and other cases it is because we are afraid of the repercussions of trying to change ourselves. It has been said that in order to change the world we must first change ourselves, which is why i feel that even if a kid is brought up in an abusive home the child can learn that it was not their fault and they don't need to treat people or their own children in the same manner. In the opposite scenario, when being brought up in a "perfect" home and having a good education, good looks to match can just as easily commit the same heinous crimes. When one is taught that the world is theirs on a silver platter and people are below them it is no different.

I was watching tabloid shows with my sister the other and I mean no offence to anyone who reads this. Ryan jenkings was accussed of killing his ex wife jasmine, durring the man hunt before he claimed his own life, people could not stop talking about his good looks, his money, and his personality. The thing that gets to me is that people always expect en subs to be ugly or have disfigurements or speach inpediments...something wrong with them. Suddenly middle america is on its ass again from a true tradgedy and they can't get over themselves because there was seemingly nothing wrong with him. Maybe America did corrupt him, but there is no point in making him look like a victim. It is one thing to shoot a person dead, or poison their food, but to take the time to remove someones teeth...or their finger that takes a whole entirely subcategory of monster. Had Jenkings known that breast implants come with track numbers...he would have removed those too and that is something i'm wlling to be money on.(thanks america...now we'll be finding more womens bodies with mutilated breasts, just incase they had implants in there.)

Ted bundy, he was attractive, smart and had a future in politics and was also one of histories most prolific serial killers. He pleaded innocence up until he was certain to get electric chair, and he then tried to lengthen the trial by talking about his victims, showing the worl a glimpse of his true darkness.Son of Sam-David Berkowitz, yet another seemingly normal looking man,Andrew Cunanan, Even Charles Manson was a rather attractive and mesmerizing person. I wonder why it is that people are so obssesed with looks that they feel that attractive people never do anything wrong?

It's quite sad really because half of hollywood is where the looneys are anyways..and crazy people attract eachother. The pretty girls..."the plastics" these are the ones who break our hearts, who make us feel worthless, and ugly. They bruise are egos and diminish our self esteem because they know they can and they thrive off of it. So is it so surprising when an attractive man kills a woman?

I don't really have a point to this blog its two in the morning now..i just felt like talking and this is where it led me...
i think ill go to bed now..
t.t.f.n.

Lets start fresh shall we?

2009-09-02T20:17:00.003-06:00

Okay its been over a year since my last blog. Apparently I lost my addiction to writing, which saddens me a great deal. I used to be constantly complimented on my writing so as a healing process I feel I need to start writing again.

So here is the scoop! I was bed ridden from April until about July of 2008, I hardly have any memories or recollections of 2007 so I've considered them to be write off years of my life...whether it was just all of the experimental medications I was on or a mixture of mental torment and post traumatic stress; I figure there's a reason I do not contain any memories of that time and good ridden.

One thing I know for sure is that every year i make up some silly list of things i plan on doing or quitting on my new years resolution. I realized that I never accomplished anything, or just a few for a while every year. The idea is just to throw out the list because I don't like being told what to do.(Even by myself)So this year my New Years Resolution was simply this "Make this 2009 the best year to boot and to alleviate negativity in my life."

Had it not been for Ryan I do not think I would have the maturity I needed to start my next relationship. At work after him and I broke up there was a lot of rumors going around that made themselves known to me, I suppose when you're one of few women in a male dominated work place it is bound to happen. None of the rumors were true, fortunately but that didn't stop people from thinking otherwise. It wouldn't surprise me to hear people today still touch ground with these rumors. The thing is, he was a good guy to me and I don't have anything mean to say about him, I'm probably 1 of a handful of people that can say that. He taught me the fundamentals of a debate, how to be respectful of room mates and the importance of only extending kindness to those who deserve it, to gain respect.

Mind you I'm not that tactful so I do not extend these lesson to my everyday practice but I know he underestimated my maturity when we broke up. I know that at any hour I could call him for any unbelievable favour and he would help me to his fullest capabilities. The real point of this is that I would never do that, because I don't need him in my life anymore and I realize that I have to do everything for myself.

There has been times in the past years when I have been dropped off at the hospital and been told to call my parents when I'm done. There is two parts to this that I know realize as facts.
The first fact is that in my parents opinions I have been a burden in their life ever since I started getting sick. The second fact is that this is because I disrupt their patterns and ability to drink if I am sick. The third fact is that they don't like to watch me suffer because it makes them feel inadequate because there is nothing they can do to help me. Because they are alcoholics there has also been times when they made me suffer through the night because they were too drunk to drive me and I didn't want to take the cab ride by myself since I couldn't stand I knew I couldn't defend myself either.

This year has been a good year but it has also been a hard year, with the loss of Donna in April I feel her son Derick is becoming more distant from the family, I'm worried he might become so closed off he may not be able to handle human interaction in a few years. I went back to doctor Rolston this year, the man who corrected and eliminated my stomach ulcers, I have not had any signs of one since 2006, he cured me. I am now on a path to fixing my ovaries issues, I had not had any cysts since February, I just recently had two on the same ovary and they just ruptured. I was in the hospital yesterday and today i had to be tested for poly cystic ovaries. I'm starting a new treatment tonight and i feel this is my final answer, I pray that this health regimen will be the last one I have to try.

April 2009, enter Jeremy Enns. Quite possibly the love of my life, in time he could be the one I will spend the rest of my life with. The thing I love about Jeremy are also the things i hate and that's why he's perfect. He has such a relaxed attitude and is carefree, he is the neutral, or the calm rather to my drama infested life...my storm of insanity. But its also the carefree about large details that bothers me, like going to the post office. I know I'm getting mad over nothing when i think of it logically, but when I'm obsessing over things i can't help but nit pick. I'm afraid of hurting his feelings. The thing I love about him is that he loves me completely and that's what I fear; that he may not realize who I am or how bad I can be, I see how my parents treat me and how they feel I'm a burden and I'm scared to be a burden in Jers' life too. But then I remind myself that my parents are alcoholics which makes them selfish and Jeremy isn't like that.

I'm excited, I am going to be moving to Lethbridge with my boyfriend Jeremy and I really cannot wait to move in with him. I think this a positive step forward and is a much needed change that couldn't take any longer for the day to arrive. I really miss him and not in an obsessive or infatuated way..rather a loving way? I just didn't realize how long a month and a half would feel. I was like oh yeah, no big deal see you when I get there. After 4 days, it felt like a week, and after a week it felt like a month away from him. I really didn't realize how much I needed him in my life until I was forced to be apart from him.

There's 20 more days until i get to see him and i'm more excited to be doing this count down then I was as a child counting down the 24 days to Christmas which starts on my birthday every year. I do intend very much on blogging more, so forgive me if i'm busy, or slap me if its november and i havent even mentioned the bird is the word.

t.t.f.n. <3

I feel bad..nah nah nah nah nah...dont know what i have..nah nah nah nah nah..

2008-06-25T01:06:00.000-06:00

lol! okay so i have a seriously ridiculous virus right now, it totally sucks. I got sent home early on Sunday because of it, i can hardly talk loud enough to be understood and im off tomorrow as well which is wednesday. Anyways i just wasted all of my energy..im going back to bed.

t.t.f.n. <3

Hey, hay, hey..!

2008-06-21T21:24:00.002-06:00

So its officially been one month since my last post and that's not good, but I haven't had much time lately. So after getting the okay from my doctor to go back to work I have now and tomorrow will be day 5 (in a row) of working at my new job at Alter Ego.
The people that I work with seem really great and I enjoy it quite a bit.I'm still not exactly sure if I am happy there or not because as friendly as the people are there, I still don't quite seem to fit in and that has never been an issue for me. I think that I am going to wait and see how it is at the end of the month and if I am not crazy about it, then I think that I am going to start looking for a job after that.

I really do not have much to say because I haven't really done much and I don't have much to report on my new job because it really isn't busy there and so far nothing even remotely exciting has happened there.

Any who, I guess I will post when something exciting happens.

t.t.f.n. <3

Time to be told, "I told you so"

2008-05-21T23:23:00.002-06:00

I have yet to tell my family but i told my bff Elizabeth about the events that occurred on 05-18-08 basically the gist of it is that Trevor tried to get with my other bff Leeanne that night at a party even though she has a boyfriend. Long story short anyone who disrespects me, let alone my friends deserves to get knocked the fuck out. All in all had I listened to Liz and my family back in December I know I never would have learned my lesson. So I consider this life lesson number 198,265,013 as completed. Note to self (13th reminder) if it seems too good to be true, it always is. Other note to self, don't hate the dating game... hate the player.

Nothing Special

2008-05-15T23:53:00.002-06:00

I really have not written anything not because I did not have the time but simply due to the fact that nothing special or exciting has occurred in this time and because I have been quite depressed. My boyfriend Trevor is very busy in the late winter early spring season but in the summer and fall better known as the off-season he is not busy. Because of this there has been major scheduling conflicts for seeing each other and we both decided it would just be easier on the both of us if we took a break until the off season. It has only been 4 days but I feel like I may be going insane. When we first met it was under very ridiculous circumstances, I was terribly drunk, it was my 18th birthday and I ended up puking and passing out, but during the time that I got to know him it was absolutely amazing!
Problem....I was still dating someone else. Dan and I had been having issues in our relationship but we were on a break. Trevor and I began to talk everyday on msn and played 21 questions, which never ended with 21 more like 101 but it was still great and we got to know each other very well. But then Dans grandpa died and I felt horribly guilty and three days later, my moms biological mothers husband better known to me as uncle Ted passed away. I went into shock and stopped talking to Trevor up until a year to date on my 19th birthday. We started talking everyday again and picked up where we left off, it was like a match made in heaven.
Next problem...my parents hate him, he treats me like gold doesn't let me pay for anything takes 3 hours of travel from his house in Clairview to my house in Millwoods to see me but apparently it is not good enough. "He is not good enough for me", "He should always come to see me, I should not be the going over to his house to see him."
Problem number three...I get sick. Very sick, and Trevor is working constantly and doesn't really have a choice in the matter because his father is one of his managers, and Sam..his dad is a real hard ass on Trevor.
Next problem now not only is my family hounding on me about my relationship but my best friend is now hassling me about my relationship with Trevor. She feels that he is just making excuses and doesn't even take the time to listen to me about what things are like for him. Not only does he have to deal with an overbearing father who constantly hounds him if he even looks like he has gained a bit of weight (this is an issue because he plays football competitively) but is also on his back nearly 24/7 about work responsibilities. Besides this he has a girlfriend whose entire immediate family hates him, literally and whose best friend doesn't approve of him either.
If you ask me thats a lot of bullshit to put up with and I wouldn't be surprised in the least bit if he tells me in the summer that he really isn't willing to go through with it all again, believe me I'll be devastated but at least I will understand where he is coming from. No one has even stopped to think about how I feel about it. What i think or care, because who really cares what I think or care as long as everyone else is happy right? Then the world gets to keep orbiting around their so called "perfect lives" in which they have so much experience and know so much about.

I always knew I was never really meant to be truly happy in this live..I just hadn't completely realized it before.

t.t.f.n.

<3 Different types of love
2008-04-21T22:26:00.015-06:00
Love is reckless;not reason. Reason seeks a profit.Love comes on strong, consuming herself unabashed.Yet in the midst of suffering love proceeds like a millstone, hard surfaced and straight forward.Having died to self interest,she risks everything and asks for nothing. Love gambles away every gift God bestows. Without cause God gave us Being; without cause give it back.Gambling yourself away is beyond any religion. Religion seeks grace and favour, but those who gamble these away are God's favourites, for they neither put God to the test nor knock at the door of gain and loss.- unknown

Just yesterday my parents were making an aloud statement at the fact that my mother was married at Sammi's age. Sammi is my older sister who will be turning 23 this year in September.The thing about Sammi is that she has been with the same person since highschool, they went to grad together. Brendan her boyfriend even moved out to Edmonton with us just to be with Sammi, however our parents feel that Brendan is not good enough for her and that Sammi will never amount to anything as long as she remains in a relationship with him. Now this is just hear say so don't get too excited but Brendan has a bunch of money saved up, enough to move back to British Columbia. Co-quitlam to be more precise, and by the sounds of it he is really trying to convince Sammi to move back with him. This cannot leave this blog because if my parents get wind of this, all hell will break lose!

As for me well my neighbor Danielle has come to visit me and same with my best friend Elizabeth with her boyfriend Branden. My friend Tom who is a photographer and movie junkie also has come by to see me. The movie that stuck out the most to me was called American History X. Now if you have not seen this movie I would advise that you go out right now and rent it, or if you're courageous enough, go and buy it. I'm not going to sit here and write an essay about the movie other wise my blog would be titled "Movie Kritique" but seeing as that is not the case I will get back on point. This movie made me really think about how much my sister has been there for me.

If you have seen A.H.X. then you will realize that I am using it as an analogy. My sister growing up in her high school years, was a real bad ass. She would drink and smoke pot with the guys on our street, she also had a lot of guy friends not that I am suggesting anything there but her and her friends would steal alcohol from my parents when they were passed out already for the night. Now I never wanted to dress like my sister but I did want to be just like her and hang out with the guys she did and by the time I made it into high school I started hanging out with the wrong crowds and and I started doing more extreme things, from cutting class to vandalism and when I moved to Edmonton it became a routine thing. I even began to start doing drugs, especially when I would go back to Vancouver to visit. My friends and I even paid 10 bucks extra when I was 16 to get into the paramount gentlemens club. And let me tell you there certainly wasn't any gentlemen in there when I went. Meanwhile my sister was living a very lonely life not knowing anyone and slipping into a hole of depression.

At the end of 2007 my sister and I reconnected and came to realize that there is just the two of us and if anything happened, well thats it.It took a lot of time for us to open up to each other, especially for me but now that we have, we have a connection greater than friendship and sisterhood, I don't think there is a word for it in the English language other than love.

I have many friends on www.facebook.com (Julie McKay) and www.nexopia.com ( ~JULeS~) and I care about each and everyone of them and talk with them quite frequently. However maybe 2-15 % of these friends know that I am sick and 0-5 % know whats wrong with me to an extent. It's not that they don't care its just peoples love for one another in society is very limited unless they are family or have known one another for a very long time. This is not always the case but for the most part from what I have witnessed I would claim this to be a true honest statement.

I have done many things in the name of "love" but due to the lack of return of love it is hard for me to say if it was actual love or just infatuation. In the movie "Good luck Chuck" the character Chuck asks his best friend Stu "What is sex with out love?" To Chucks' dismay he is answered "SEX!!!" Is there no chivalry left in this world? What if you met a person one day by sheer chance/luck, just unexpectedly and you only got to spend one day with them but it was the most memorable day of your life. Is that day worth it knowing that you cannot be with that person because of distance and that they may be falling for someone just as great. What if the person they were falling for turned out to be not so great, would you try and stop that person from making possibly the hugest mistake in their entire life or let them keep living life their way because you're afraid of ruining things between you?

What if you could make an agreement with this person to get married at a certain date in time under certain circumstances but along comes a beautiful spider that entices you with its web and catches you in it? What if that spider is romantic and funny just like that person you met on that rainy day but their life plans are so disorganized with no real pattern just like their web? What if you're meant to be with that person who knows absolutely everything to know about you but they don't want to be with you. Do you stay with that beautiful spider?

What if you were dieing and didn't want anyone to know about it, would you poison yourself to get it over and done with or would you keep living an average life without that one person even when they are all you think about...Love is a complicated four letter word. It can make or break your heart and i just think it will, because its getting harder to survive in this world with all of this pain and difficulty. Some days i wish I could find a deserted mountainous area with lushes
fields and i could live my life in solitude there with no worries, just my memories of that one person I cannot have and my thoughts.

If the devil loved you
Could you make the devil fall in love with you
Make him weep a thousand tears so true
Bleed for him like all the others did
Would you two become a ylid
What is the point in even asking
When it is your soul you're masking
Do you hear that tritone as he plays upon his lyre
Make sure you dance widdershins around for his great gyre
Ye be a mere mortal and he be the one who rocks the cradle
He holds your goblet as he fills it with poison from his ladle
Sip, sip, sip away, sip away all of the agonizing pain
Cry to him a hundred pleas until he makes it rain
In the end could you break his heart in two
And keep your soul when it is through
-Julie E. McKay

I think that the point I'm getting at is Love is just a four letter word until you give it meaning, and it is better to tell someone how you feel then spend your whole entire life asking your self "what if?" There is many different types of love and some people can express them all where as others are very limited. As long as there is light in this world there will with out a doubt always be love.

t.t.f.n. <3>
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New inspiration

2008-04-14T20:42:00.000-06:00

Today was quite alright even though it was raining off and on. I watched my favourite of the star wars (return of the jedi) and my parents got home around the same time today which was around 16:25 and my sister and i hadn't made anything for dinner which was no matter. My dad had ripped his jeans at work and needed to buy some new ones so we went with him to buy some new jeans at marks work warehouse and got him two new pairs, got dinner and went home. My neighbor Danielle came by today to see me and we talked while my sister played guitar hero (on easy, she isn't very good but it's very entertaining)

After Dani went home for dinner I took a bath and decided to come on the computer and I would like to share with you a conversation with you that I wasn't quite proud of at first.

Łεεαήήέ says:
your not allowed to die on me, that wouldn't be fair and it would just be wrong

Jules says:
everything will be alright in the end

Łεεαήήέ says:
it better be or me and this god character are gonna have a niceeee long chat

Jules says:
haha!! Don't be mad at god, life isn't predetermined, there is factors in life that cause things. Maybe it's because I was annorexic and my organs are feeling the aftermath. Or maybe its from the few times i tried drugs when i was with the wrong people. Maybe its from drinking even though im on medication, or maybe its just from stress it might all be psychological. But all of which were choices

Jules says:
so if i keep a healthy attitude in turn i will become healthy

Łεεαήήέ says:
thats true but still this crap stuff should be happening to a person who doenst learn from their mistakes

Jules says:
No one ever said how long lifes lesson was going to be, they merely said that you had to have the lessons

Jules says:
and not everyone passes class some people choose to be drop outs, others just dont learn as well as others or just dont pay attention because they dont care

Jules says:
life doesnt have symapthy for these people, it just keeps on teaching

Łεεαήήέ says:
you my friend

Łεεαήήέ says:
should be writing a book called "jules words of inspiration, jems from within"

Jules says:
hahah

Jules says:
jem is my initials

Jules says:
did you know that

Łεεαήήέ says:
i did

Jules says:
maybe i should write a book, i dont have anything better to do with my time

Łεεαήήέ says:
haha aww write me a book i'll read it!

I'm very open and honest with my friends when I speak with them, the reason I wasn't proud of this conversation at first was because I was talking about a hidden illness that I suffered from; Also that I have infact done hard drugs. Its really not something I'm proud of and certainly not something I would do again but its in my past and it still affects me today. Inspiration came to me from this conversation that I should write a book and I intend on doing just that. Which means I will have to brush up on my writting skills including spelling but I think that its a fine idea. Who knows maybe I'll even see about getting it published if I'm proud enough of it. =D

As for the home front, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Ever since I became ill my family has become closer and more loving with one another. My parents are not drinking as much and my sister and I are a lot closer now that she no longer works so that she can stay at home to take care of me while my parents work to support us. It certainly is not the arrangements we would have asked for if given the choice, but since this is life we are playing the cards that we have been dealt. The thing to remember is that the house doesn't always win, as long as you keep playing.

t.t.f.n.

Blogging again...day one

2008-04-14T00:21:00.003-06:00

So I have not posted anything in a long time. Infact as you can see I deleted all of my old posts to start a fresh profile.As many as you don't know about my current situation I think I shall fill everyone in on whats going on in my life right now. I've always been sick, pretty much most of my life, I thought things were finally looking up because I found a new hormone treatment for my ovarian cycts I suffer from (which means I have a greater chance of being able to have children now).

At the begining of March I started having shakes, abnormal ones for no apparent reason then as the month went by the shakes turned more and more violent, tremors even I also started getting black outs. On April fourth I ended up blacking out at work after the tremors and went imediately to the emergency. Since there was no vissible issues, like any emergency room I was forced to wait in the grueling waiting room. They dont call it a waiting room for nothing, thats for sure. Well after a few hours I started getting the tremors again. I went to the desk and I was shaking so bad that a nurse grabbed a wheel chair and had me sit down. The tremors became so violent that the nurse couldn't even feel my pulse so I was assisted to a room to get an echocardiogram, to make sure that my heart was alright. I was given privacy to take off my shirt and bra and to put on a gown and when I did so I blacked out and face planted on the floor.(Its okay to laugh I'm sure that if I saw it happen I would have laughed at myself.)

Anyways I guess when they entered the room they found me on the floor and were calling out my name, I wasn't sure where I was at first and I mainly just remember being yanked off the floor and put on a stretcher being wheeled quickly to another place in the hospital where my heart and oxygen levels were being measured. The doctors could not explain what had happened and so after hours of monitoring I was allowed to go home and eat finally!

So now I am waiting for a bunch of tests to be done and for doctors to try and figure out if I am
having seizures, some form of nerve issues within the brain or even a a possible heart condition,
or a combination of the two. Now I don't want you
to feel badly for me. This is not what this blog is
about this is the first entry simply explaining my current situation.

t.t.f.n.